Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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