matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize