can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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