I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
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Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
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The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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