I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
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I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
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Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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