Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
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She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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