You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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