Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
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You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
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Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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