wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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