so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
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If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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