I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize