im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
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My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
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She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dicks are not precious.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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