When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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