I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
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i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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