its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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