I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
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Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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