These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
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There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
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The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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