I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
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His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
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I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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