he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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