I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize