sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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