4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
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He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
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Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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