Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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