just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
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grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
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