So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
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I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
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Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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