At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
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He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
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When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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