What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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