whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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