soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize