I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize