i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize