I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
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PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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