At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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