Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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