Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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