Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
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There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
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We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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