The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
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I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
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Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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