I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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