Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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