god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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