I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Randomize