So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
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All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
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Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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