i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
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he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
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Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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