I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
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