I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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