if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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