Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
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Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
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The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
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