all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
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We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
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I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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