They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
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I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
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Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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