i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
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OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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